Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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