Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
