You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
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