thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
