You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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