So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
