I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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