In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
