Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Randomize
