there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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