I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You smell like stripper and shame
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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