Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
