Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
