im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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