You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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