just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She just used a chaser for red wine.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
