oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
