I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
