I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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