i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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