Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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