Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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