I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
