don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Drunk is not a location!
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
