suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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