Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
