I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
