i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
