Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
