A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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