The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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