Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
