Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
