When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Sext me about skeletons
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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