maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize