Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i will never coherently bang her
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
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