my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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