I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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