Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
don't judge my taste in strippers
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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