Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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