We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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