Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
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