When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
