Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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