we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
