Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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