So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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