Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
