once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
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