My hair reeks of homosexuality.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
