o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
