Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
