hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
