you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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