Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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