God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
